Of Heartburn and Indigestion
by Schyzotypal X
Summary: In which Axel tries to be romantic in order to charm Roxas out of his virginity, fails miserably, and manages to somehow get into Roxas's pants anyway. -oneshot-AkuRoku-


**Of Heartburn and Indigestion **

It is a cold and rainy day that Axel corners Namine in the café that she waitresses at . She's about to leave when he grabs her by the shoulder, tugging her back into the doorway.

Namine turns, mace at the ready, only to breath a sigh of relief when she sees a pensive looking Axel.

"Thank god." She says, pressing a hand to her chest. "I thought you were some sort of molester or something."

Axel frowns at her. "It's broad daylight and we're in a crowded restaurant."

"Sexual harassment can happen at any place at any time." Namine says, reciting something she's heard during one of those feminist lectures they're having at the community college.

Axel shakes his head and sighs. "Anyway, can we sit? There's something I really need to talk to you about." His voice is a thin and reedy whine. Namine sighs, tugging his wrist gently as she finds them an empty corner booth. She slides in primly, tucking her old fashioned uniforms skirt around her. Axel flops into the seat across from her, lifting his leg to put one muddy boot on the table and slouching into the red leather seat.

Namine hits his foot down and uses a napkin to clean the gunk off of the table before she begins.

"What is it that you wanted to talk with me about Axel?"

Axel looks around for a second, as if making sure that there is no one listening in on their conversation. His eyes linger on a man in a black suit and tie, narrowing slightly before he leans in conspiratorially, motioning for Namine to do the same.

"You're a girl right?'

Namine frowns at Axel. "I don't like where this conversation is going already."

Axel waves his hands in the air dismissively. "NO! No, I didn't mean it like that. I mean…it's just that I need some help with something and it needs to be girly help and…"

"And this some how brought my gender into question?"

Axel shakes his head. "It's nothing like that, I mean, I know you're a girl Nami, trust me, it's just…uhhg." He runs his hands through his air, mussing his gravity defying spikes.

Namine sighs. "Whatever, just tell me what it is."

"There's this person I like." Axel mumbles, staring at the table.

Namine nods. "And…?"

"And I don't know how to be all-" Axel pauses, motioning across the room towards Selphie and Tidus, who are giggling over their shared milkshake and holding hands across the table. They aren't saying anything, just smiling goofily and staring into each other's eyes. The sticky romance they exude is palpable and it's so sweet it almost makes Namine want to gag.

"So you want my help…with romancing someone."

Axel nods, blushing as he continues to burn a hole in the table with his glare. "J-just tell me some of the stuff that someone would like…like what do I do to get them to like me and stuff."

Namine nods slowly. "Well…I'm not sure. I mean, I've always been a sucker for flowers, and Kairi has this huge collection of stuffed animals that Sora gave her. I guess you should probably try to stay on the safe and narrow road for now, you know, give them chocolates, write them songs…I don't _know_ Axel, I barely ever date." Axel looks at her with puppy dog eyes and Namine groans. "I guess you should try to complement them, call them pretty and stuff like that, make them feel good."

Axel stares at her with a look of utter concentration. His hands are moving beneath the table and when Namine looks to see what he's doing she realizes he's taking notes.

"That's a little bit sad you know."

"What? I just don't want to forget anything that's all."

"Whatever." Namine leans back into the plush leather seat . "Who is it that you're trying to romance anyway?"

Axel's eyes flicker out and back to her for only a second but it's long enough for Namine to follow his gaze to the diminutive blonde behind the counter. She gapes.

"Roxas? You want to go out with Roxas? My brother? _Roxas?"_

Axel opens his mouth, floundering. "T-thanks for the help Namine bye!"

He's out the door before she has a chance to stop him.

* * *

Namine stares at Axel and then at the bouquet. She resists the urge to palm her forehead.

The bouquet is a myriad of different flowers, large and gaudy and _ugly_. Axel holds it so tightly in his hands that Namine can here the crunch of breaking stems from where she watches on the landing of the stairs.

It's a humiliating mess of botany really.

Still, Axel proffers it to Roxas, his hand fisted around the jumbled plant life that is held together by little more than what looks to be skull print bandana.

"I-I didn't know what type of flower you liked so I just picked out a whole bunch." He glances down at his boots, noticing the trail of mud that they've tracked across the floor. "Sorry about the mud."

Roxas stares at him for a whole minute. He stutters for a second, face turning a motley red before running up to his room, a shrill 'meep' thrown over his shoulder.

Axel stares after him with watery, green puppy-dog eyes and Namine can't help but feel pity for the poor clueless idiot.

He leaves his fistful of flowers on the counter and Namine doesn't have the heart to throw them away.

When she goes back to the kitchen for a midnight snack she is shocked to see the mass stuffed into a vase, crushed stems and all.

The next day, while she's looking around in Roxas's room for her sketchbook, she sees a neatly washed and folded skull print bandana sitting on his dresser.

_My, my_. Namine muses to herself. _This is quite the development._

_

* * *

_

The plushy, if you could really call it that, is an ugly felt thing that can only be identified as a monster.

It's a hideous, bulbous creature, with twig skinny limbs and bulging yellow eyes. It's downright terrifying.

Still, when Roxas sees it he doesn't cringe or shudder like everyone else who caught a glimpse of the plush toy that Axel has been toting around all day.

Instead he blushes scarlet, gingerly taking the _thing_ from Axel's offering hands and hugging it tightly in his scrawny little arms.

"Th-Thank you." He stutters out in a quite voice.

Namine's jaw drops. "You have got to be kidding me."

She chooses the moment that they both turn to stare at her to drop down behind the counter.

* * *

Roxas has taken to carrying the disgusting creature around with him wherever he goes and it's driving Namine up the wall.

He's named it Axel and has tied the skull bandana he got with Axel's flowers around the creatures non-existent neck.

Everywhere he and Namine go Axel-the-toy is there, staring at her with those piss yellow eyes and wiggling its spring loaded antenna.

She briefly considers tossing it into the incinerator before deciding that even she is not that heartless. Instead she uses a kitchen knife to carefully rip through one of the seems of the ugly thing while Roxas is asleep. This proves to be difficult seeing as Roxas sleeps practically strangling the damn thing, the stupid mushy bastard. Still, Namine prides herself on stealth and it's an easy enough matter to care of because Roxas sleeps like the dead.

Now that it's leaking stuffing at the slightest of provocation, Namine hopes it will suffer the fate of most of Roxas's stuffed animals and be relegated to a lifetime of collecting dust in his closet.

For the first few days after Operation Night Wolf, Namine believes her plan to have worked, Roxas no longer carries around the black monstrosity and Namine can rest easy.

It is to her great surprise and displeasure when Axel-the-toy reappears a few days later, a line of neat red stitches holding together the broken seam.

Roxas's fingers are covered in band aids and Namine refuses to express even the slightest bit of concern over them.

* * *

The next time Axel appears it's with another offering, this one much less…atrocious then the last two.

It's a box of chocolates.

They're in a shiny black and gold case that's tied with a red ribbon and each one of them is shaped like a brown-colored rose.

Axel shoves it into Roxas's chest, cheeks stained a hue to rival his hair. "I thought you m-might like th-them."

Roxas turns an equally vivid shade of red and takes them from Axel. "Th-Thanks." He steals himself, looking up at Axel and smiling before ducking his head back down and finding a new source of interest in his shoes.

Namine rolls her eyes. Pathetic.

Axel grins and stares out the window, looking for all the world like a twelve year old with his first crush. "I-I saw them in the place I work at and I th-thought of you." Axel bites his lip, stealing a glance at Roxas who is still staring at his shoes, his face now somewhere in between the ranges of hot-rod red and tomato. Axel grins.

Namine's eyes narrow. She knows what sort of store Axel works at. It's not the type of store that sells chocolates and flowers just to be romantic. It's more the type of store to sell leather collars and fuzzy, studded handcuffs.

When they get home that night Namine takes the box and carefully reads over the gilded card on the inside of the lid.

She does not like what she sees.

* * *

She finds Axel the next day, tending the counter at the shop he works at. The entire place is painted black with a splatter job of fluorescent green that gives Namine a headache. Axel catches sight of her and smiles, the black ring in his lip wiggling jauntily. Namine scowls.

She slaps the card on the shiny black table top, shaking a few skull bobble-heads and glaring accusingly up at Axel. "Please explain _this_ to me."

"Explain what Nami-" Namine shoves the card forward. Axel raises an eyebrow, piercing glinting. He reads a few of the first words on the card and goes pale. When he looks back up he's gasping like a fish out of water, panic stricken. Namine's glare amplifies. She plays the part of the protective older sibling. "Nami! I swear I didn't know! I just thought that he would like the roses that's all!"

"Sure, whatever Axel. Tell me more, I'd really _love_ to hear all of your excuses."

Axel waves his hands frantically. "I swear to god Namine! I really didn't know! I thought that they were just plain-old, regular chocolates." He droops, the tips of his hair wilting a little. "I just wanted to give him something nice." His last few words are a mumble. Namine bites her cheek, because there are few things in this world that Namine crumbles to and a lovelorn Axel is NOT going to be one of them. She steals herself, and continues. This is for the best. It will teach Axel to _never_ make such a mistake again.

"Is that why you gave Roxas drugged chocolates?"

Axel splutters and waves his hands. "I really didn't know. I promise. Please. I'll do anything to make up for it."

Namine's eyes narrow. "Anything?"

Axel nods hurriedly. "Anything."

Namine's smile is slow and evil and more then just a tad bit sadistic. "Then eat these." She pulls a black and gold box out of her backpack and wiggles it in front of Axel's nose.

Axel's eyes widen. "You _wouldn't_"

"Oh, but my dear Axel, I _would._" Namine smirks.

"B-but there's enough there for two people." Axel struggles.

Namine's eyebrows shoot up. "Oh really, so then if Roxas had eaten all of these then he would have been left in a shivering mess, alone and scared and so very h-"

"Okay, okay, I get it." Axel's cheeks darken considerably. He takes the box from her, grimacing. "I know I'm going to regret asking this but what am I supposed to do after I've…ingested all of these. "

Namine chuckles. "I'm glad you asked me that Axel. You, my dear boy, are going to continue manning the counter for the next three hours that it takes for the drugs to wear off."

Axel looks aghast. "W-What? N-NO! You can't be serious."

"Oh, I assure you, I am."

Axel's eyes are wide and fearful and he looks at her as if seeing her for the first time. "You're _evil._"

Namine shrugs. "Think of it as punishment for nearly making Roxas go through the same thing. He was about to eat a few right before his shift at the diner."

The flush on Axel's cheek brings out the green in his eyes and the red in his hair. "Did he really?"

"Yep." Namine nods, turning to leave. "Don't dwell on thoughts like that after you've eaten those chocolates." She turns and smiles, sickly sweet. "Who knows what might happen once they start working."

She walks out of the store, leaving Axel to grimace down at the box with the look a dead man.

* * *

If there is one thing Namine can be sure of in this world, it is that Axel is the worst nice person ever. She much prefers perverted, fast-talking Axel to this new earnest, awkward Axel who's trying to romance her brother.

He's sitting at the counter now, watching as Roxas sorts out loose change from the register.

Axel is biting his lip, sweat pooling on his brow as he glances from Roxas to the counter and back to Roxas.

Namine thinks it's a little like watching The Animal Planet, but instead of watching mating spiders or birds or something she's watching Axel prepare to stuff his foot into his mouth.

He begins nicely along that track.

"I think you have nice hands." Axel blurts, his voice too loud and his words too fast to sound confident and casual. Roxas pauses, looking at him curiously and Axel can't help but glue his eyes to the counter. "They're…um…really…pretty…" He finishes lamely, glancing up at Roxas for a second before glancing back down to the counter.

What a dork.

Roxas is still staring at Axel who is still staring at the counter, finally, he manages a shaky smile. "Th-Thanks… no one has ever said that about my hands before."

Axel looks up, startled. "It's not just your hands too…I-I mean, the rest of you is nice to…it's just that your hands are one of your…outstanding features."

Roxas blushes and looks away and Axel flounders. Everyone in the vicinity stares and Namine sighs, long and heavy.

It's sort of sad how they are with each other.

On the way back to the house Roxas trips on his own feet twice because he's too busy staring at his hands and blushing.

It's official Namine decides, she'll definitely take the sweet-speaking ladies man Axel to this new Axel any day.

_I know this might seem a bit sudden Roxas, but I can't help but feel this overpowering urge to bend you over this here counter and-_

Namine cuts the Axel in her head off there and decides that maybe shy and idiotic Axel isn't so bad after all.

* * *

Axel shows up on their lawn with a beaten up black guitar case and a handful of pebbles. Namine goes for the earplugs.

This **cannot** end well.

The first few pebbles plink none too gently against her window and Namine sighs. She pushes open the glass sound barrier and points to the window next to hers. Axel nods in thanks and smiles a smile with the charm turned up to turbo.

Namine shakes her head and looks around in her winter clothes for the pair of snowman earmuffs Kairi gave her.

She listens for the tell tale beginning guitar strums of whatever musical monstrosity Axel thinks can passably be classified as a song. When she hears the first few off key notes she shoves on the earmuffs.

Even that isn't enough to muffle all of the sound.

Axel, the clever bastard, damn him, had brought an amplifier.

**Roxas**

**I want you to know that you rock ass**

**I can't pay attention in class**

**Because I'm too busy thinking about you**

**Roxas I want you to be my boo**

**Roxas! I love you so. **

**Your voice always makes me come and go**

**And your eyes, so blue, like the sky**

**I wish so much those eyes could be mine!**

**I really think that you're hot**

**Like really hot**

**Like super duper mega hot**

**But I don't just like you because you're hot**

**You've got a great personality**

**And you're such a real person**

**And like a person in reality**

**Roxas! I love you so! **

Namine never gets to hear the end of the song, because on of their neighbors chucks a rock at him. It hit's Axel dead center in the temple and he drops like a sack of potatoes.

It takes twenty minutes of Roxas fussing over him for Axel to come to and even then he's seeing double.

Another ten minutes, an ice pack, and three aspirins later, and Axel is rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly as he bleeds on their couch.

"I guess I'm not that good of a song writer. Huh?"

Namine raises an eyebrow. "You think?" She tosses a towel his way, intent on keeping her sofa from getting too bloody.

Axel laughs, blushing. "Yeah…I guess it wasn't the best of love songs?"

Namine nods in agreement.

"I-I thought it w-was b-beautiful."

Both of them look up to see Roxas, fiddling with the zipper of his jacket and staring hard at his feet. He is standing awkwardly in the doorway and his face is crimson.

Namine gags. "Could you two be anymore _gay_?"

Roxas and Axel both look at her in confusion and Namine sighs, shaking her head. "Never mind. Look just…" She trails off, glancing between them. "Just work out this extremely pathetic, simpering _thing_ you have going on here alright."

Roxas and Axel look at each other, flush, and look away, both scrutinizing their own respective patches of floor.

Namine groans. "_That_,is exactly what I'm talking about. Could you please just fucking _look _at each other and talk to each other like adults." She walks towards the stairs. "Stop acting like seventh graders and just get it _over with_."

With that she leaves them, intent on catching up on the beauty sleep she missed because of Axel's little show.

* * *

The next day Namine goes down for breakfast and finds a trail of discarded clothes leading from her extremely rumpled couch all the way to the shut door of Roxas's room.

Namine growls a feral growl and pulls a kitchen knife out of the drawer.

Axel is _so_ dead_._

**End.**_  
_

_

* * *

_So this is like the odd love child of my Kingdom Hearts nostalgia (caused by a sudden urge to replay 358/2 Days) and my gleeful obsession with humiliating the characters from all my favorite fandoms. I think I did very well in that respect, seeing as both angsty Roxas and bat-shit crazy Axel have turned into the male equivalents of blushing schoolgirls and Namine has somehow become bitter and malicious (probably because no one hugged her enough as a child or something). Anyway, this was my try at fluffy OOC goodness which I hope I have at least managed to achieve on some baser level.

Hope you enjoyed.

-Schyzotypal X


End file.
